Walking by faith

When I became pregnant with my daughter at 22 her dad was sentenced 8 years in prison. During his incarceration I moved my daughter and I to Sarasota Fl. At that time she was 3 and I was 25. So as expected I was worried if I made the best decision. But  I knew I wanted a better life for her and I and thought a change of scenery would help. I felt that I created such a bad image for myself in Ohio I needed to leave. I needed to escape the person I was becoming at such a young age. I became a stripper a few weeks after turning 18 and continued shortly after my daughter was born. I use to think It was the only way I’d be able to survive let alone provide for her by myself. I remember constantly telling myself I just needed a few months to save and then I’d be done. But it went on for years. I’d tell myself it was okay because I didn’t get drunk or do drugs  but I was slowly losing myself. Once we moved to Florida I said I’d never go back to dancing. My mom moved to Florida with the man she was dating and I was in hope id be able to have the support I needed to leave that lifestyle. She began watching my daughter for a small fee and I began working as a waitress at a beachfront restaurant.  Unfortunately that did not last long because my mom moved back to Ohio for about a month so I lost the childcare I had for my daughter and lost my job. I  found myself right back in the same mind set thinking going back to dancing was my only option because I could pay well for childcare and I’d be able to take care of her during the day and not leave her until she was in bed. After some time dancing again I eventually became so drained  and never went back. Its been 5 years and I havent stepped foot in another strip club. No matter what I thought the consequences were going to be I was ready to give it everything I had. And I did just that but instead of focusing on my finances alone I focused on how to build myself up mentally. I needed to know how to become a different version of myself. Someone my daughter could look up to and be proud of. For many years I was teaching myself how to rewire my brain so that I didn’t continue to repeat the same cycles. The way I talked became different , the way I thought became different and the way I handled situations became different. I continued to grow within myself but not financially. My mom moved back to Florida and we lived together many times throughout the years to make it easier on us both. I started dating a guy I met in our apartments. He was police officer in Florida. Things between us were pretty good for the first few months but then I started noticing how angry he would get when we would have disagreements.  I've always been very careful what I allow around my daughter. I wanted to be very cautious about her environments because along the way I learned how impactful that alone could be for her life. After some time of not liking the way he'd handle disagreements I left. A month after we broke up my daughters dad was released from prison and she wanted to make a trip to Ohio to see him , so we did. Once I seen the two of them together the week we were in Ohio I started to see him in a new light. I saw him as a father who made past mistakes just as I did but was ready for a better life. I told myself “I’ll go back to Florida and see if he’s really changed.”Well…I became pregnant during our visit. I found out I was pregnant a month after we got back to Florida . He then assured me he’s changed and wanted us to move back to Ohio to be family. I was very hesitant because not enough time passed to know if he had really changed or even wanted to. However he got a job and was working long hours everyday doing construction. He would FaceTime us throughout the day and I seen him at least trying. I thought things were going well until the day I announced my pregnancy . His ex that he also has a daughter with contacted me to inform me she was just with him and that he’s been cheating on me. I was beyond hurt and ended things between us. The break up  only lasted a few weeks as he continued to plead with me saying “ he swears it’ll never happen again”. I was 7 months pregnant when I decided we would make the move . It was right before thanksgiving that we moved back. We spent thanksgiving, Christmas and the new years as a family. Once I gave birth to our son in late January, I found out he was cheating again, doing drugs at work and wasn’t faithful the entire time. I wasn’t ready to break the news to my daughter so I said nothing for a few weeks. Not to anyone . I continued to take care of our kids alone while he was out partying almost every night and physically hurt me a few times . I started to suffer really bad with PPD when my son was a few months old and knew I needed to do something. Well before I got the chance to leave him, we came home one day and he was gone . We didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. But I was honestly relieved. I was hurt because he didn’t say anything to our daughter. And that hurt the most because I know she waited her whole life to have him around but I knew I’d be for the better so I comforted her as best as I could.  After a few weeks he started to come around again and would tell me we just needed time apart and he’d be back “home “ soon. We’ll during that time apart I found out he was living with an older woman using her for money. I packed up the rest of his things and told him he'd need to get the rest of his belongings and would not be welcomed back in our home but continued to allow him to come see our kids.  After only 3 weeks of us being completely done a friend sent me a photo of him and a different woman getting married. Two weeks after the marriage he was arrested and sent back to prison for 12 years. I started working on myself again . I began working out again and trying to find happiness. My daughter was heartbroken but also felt relieved because he was definitely not who she expected and I think she hopeful she wouldnt see me so sad anymore. She wasn’t use to me being so upset so often. She’s always seen me as silly , full of life , loving, caring etc. Little did she know I worked so hard to become that for her! I knew I needed to get that person back so I got up every single day feeling like I was fighting to survive but was going to take care of my kids no matter what. I have healed so much this past year but have now came to a season where im not financially stable. My car was repossessed 2 months ago but my mom was kind enough to loan me her car but isn’t able to help financially. I started driving for door dash and Uber so that I could still take care of my kids. While doing so has helped juggle the smaller bills I fell behind on my car payments and rent and am now facing eviction. I was given until 11/11 to make a payment of 1384 and until 11/25 for the remainder of 1758. And if I wanted my car back I’d be 3900 before 11/14. I’d be nice to have my car back because I don’t know how long I’m able to keep my moms car but my main focus is trying to save our home. We only have one relative in the area so I don’t have support taking care of my kids since she is busy with her own life. So it has been challenging finding employment that’s more stable but I am giving it everything I have day and night. If anyone can help with the financial struggles I am facing while I continue to look for a stable job it would mean the would to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!